scream queen

i've got a secret. i really want to be one of the main characters in a horror film. not necessarily the main character, because that person normally seems to survive till the completion of the film. i'd like to be one of the friends or something. i don't really know what this secret says about my inner-psyche, but who cares. it's just a thing i've had for god only knows how long. i have pretty much always had an infatuation with horror flicks- whether this is that "gore porn" that people call it, like hostel or the saw movies, or those stupid ass "scary movies" like 1 Missed Call or Black Christmas, or actually really well-done movies like the Uninvited. i thought that was a well done movie. many probably disagree.

you know how people talk about that corney "bucket list," like the list of crap they wanna do before they die? well on my bucket list is to be in a scary movie. sarah made a short-film called Attack of the Disco Zombies, and i briefly played a disco zombie, but i would really like to be in a long movie. and i'd like to be one of the people getting terrorized, rather than one of the terrorizors. that would be fun to play a character like baby firefly in the Devil's Rejects, too, though.

i just wanted to confess this secret. it's always there, but for whatever reason it was particularly on my mind this evening.

East-West Meditations

I think the hottest it has been so far since we've been living here is about 108. Sounds hot right. Well it is. I haven't yet gotten over the bewilderment of the different between dry heat & wet heat. Dry heat is something I've never experienced until we moved here 2 months ago. Wet heat is something I lived with, every summer since I've been born. I've primarily spent my summers: Greater Orlando, FL region, Greater Pittsburgh, PA region, New England: VT, NH, MA. All of these locales vary in their humidity, but really don't ever give you "tolerable" humidity. Sometimes you may have a dry day. But when it's humid, its just awful. My body reacts to it poorly, and I get sick. Every summer.

But now...........108 degrees. Dry. DRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me the 108 degrees. I don't give a rat's ass. So long as it's dry, I'll take it ANY DAY over the 85-90 degrees with 80% humidity. The most striking difference between east-summers and west-summers, to me, is the humidity vs. the sun. The east suffocates you with its heavy damp, thick, disgusting air. The west cooks your skin to a crispy finish with its unrelenting sun. Oh, the sun. This week, we've been having low-90's/high-80's, which has been delightful. Two weeks ago was the 100+ weather. Air conditioner in the house, I opened the door & stepped into what I imagine a turkey must feel on thanksgiving day. A huge natural oven, direct contact with the sun causes me to feel like my skin is frying on the spot. Once you get into the shade, however, it is still hot.......but, you've escaped the worst of it. The merciless sun. Not like on the east; you can have horrific hot & humid days that are overcast. You can not escape the humidity. I like how out here in CA, the shade gives you reprieve.

Another thing I've never experienced before which continually blows my mind: Out east, I am used to the "peak" hot hours of the day to be between 12-2. Well, It's 1:15, right, and its 77 degrees. We don't get our peak hours until 4-6. How strange is that?!

Oh the blazing sun. With nary a cloud in the sky, you learn to respect its presence. In the 2 months that we have been here, I don't know how to make this seem like I am not exaggerating, you'll just have to take my word for it. But in these 2 months, it has rained twice. TWICE. This translates to: on two separate occasions, we had a 15-20 minute sprinkle of wetness fall from the sky. I think it dried the second it fell onto the concrete. This novelty has not yet worn off for me. Yes I know the whole drought thing is terrible & we need water, I know I KNOW. But coming from someone who lived in a place [WORCESTER] where I basically would rain for 2 weeks straight at a time, THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY.

Also, we were at the pool the other day, and J splashed some water onto the concrete surrounding the pool. We looked at it. About 20 seconds later, the water started bubbling. The water was boiling on the concrete that was cooked from the burning sun. Literally, perhaps we could have fried an egg on that concrete.

zero currency

i found this guy's blog from an article in Details magazine: http://zerocurrency.blogspot.com/

here is a link to the article: http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_9817&mbid=yhp&npu=1

its very intriguing. part of me envies him & wants to follow exactly what he is doing. then i think, well that is unrealistic. what is so unrealistic about it? well because i suppose i am accustomed to my creature comforts & to my social relationships. to be honest, i do truly appreciate modern plumbing and i also enjoy being able to cook delicious meals of basically whatever i want. i really appreciate my boyfriend and i know that if i decided to live like daniel suelo lives, jose probably wouldnt go for that. he's not a difficult guy; come on most people probably wouldnt be willing to continue dating someone who completely gives up money like that.

but what does attract me to daniel suelo's lifestyle is the freedom-- from money, from debt, from societal "expectations," and from possessions. i dont own a lot of things, but i do own enough to feel a weight upon me if i really let myself contemplate the meaning of what i possess.

of course, he isnt free.....in the sense of free to do anything he wants. clearly. he can in some ways- he determines how he spends his days, and he doesnt have to work some job to make money that just goes back to the machine. but he is limited because he doesnt ascribe to the financial institution. im not sure if he feels as if he is missing out on anything. the only things i can think that he's really missing out on, possibly, without money, are travel, good food, and love. maybe this isnt important to him. he can travel domestically, i suppose, but as far as crossing oceans, probably not. he cant just cook up whatever fancy dish he wants. and i think the love idea might be a guess on my part- maybe he has someone with him, but from what little i've read about him, it doesnt seem that way. i think love is hard to come by in that situation. and that would be a huge thing for me to miss out on.

just thinking. anyway, what are your thoughts, readers? i am curious!

2 months later or so....

Hello, friends. It's really been awhile. Lots has happened and I have felt the guilt of neglecting this blog, trust me. I have to admit that I justified it now that Care and I are friends on facebook, but I think that of my 3 readers, only C & S are actually on facebook. So Hal is getting the shaft & I have come here to say hello again!! Haha kind of self-important. It's not like Hal is really missing out on anything ha but moreso than anything my intent with this blog was to keep in touch with friends that are far, far away!

So anyway....here I am. Drinking a glass of Charles Shaw Cab Sauv. from Trader Joes. I need to read up on your blogs, too because I have been oh so out of the loop. I've been floating around in this strange world these past two months. A world of transition & adjustment. The drive out here was divine. The states we went through, in order: MA>CT>NY>PA>OH>IN (pitstop in Michigan) >IL>IA>NE>WY>ID>UT>NV>CA. Oh I think those state abbreviations are correct. Hope so. Anyway, my least favourite part of the trip was Illinois, west of Chicago. We took Rt 30 through the state and it was boring. Iowa & Nebraska certainly had their boring points, but Illinois was boring because it was in "the sticks," but wasn't rural enough to be exciting. Does that make sense? The speed limit I don't know if it ever got over 55 and there was a fair amount of congestion at times and I was falling asleep.

My favourite part was BY FAR northeast Utah. Wow! I always knew Utah was stunning but I had only ever seen the southwest chunk. We went through the Grand Tetons and drove straight down on Rt. 89 through the bottom southeast corner of Idaho, which I think was a terrible representation of the beauty of that state....until you hit Bear Lake, which straddles the southern border of Idaho/northern border of Utah. This is when it gets great. The drive on Rt. 89 goes through the Wasatch-Cache National Forest, which I highly recommend driving this portion of America. It was terrific and breathtaking. I would love to go back there for some recreation. Maybe some camping and hiking or such.

Anyway the trip was great. Jose and I had a beautiful time together.

We drove across Hwy. 50, "The Loneliest Road," picked it up I believe around Delta, UT. Wow what an experience that was. Talk about the land that time forgot.....between Santaquin, UT and Fernley, NV. I think it was Delta, UT...we stopped at the only teensy gas station in that town, pretty much a ghost town, so we could take a pee break before the long drive of nothingness. Well the lady behind the counter looked like she stepped right out of the movie Pink Flamingoes and this place I think it was stuck in an early 90's time vacuum. They had a life-size promotional cardboard stand alone advertisement for The Flintstones Movie. Yeah, remember that one; the one with Rick Moranis & Rosie ODonnell. I thought that movie died with Hypercolor tshirts and British Knights shoes. Well apparently it lives on in Delta, UT.

Anyway, the trip was great. If you have never been to Dubois, WY it is such a cool place. Avoid Douglas, WY. I thought the landscape was interesting, but the settlement of the land was depressing.

Now I live in Sacramento and am unemployed. I've applied to about 20 jobs, staying optimistic. As we know California's financial state is pretty ugly right now so who knows if this bird will ever get a job. Jose and I adopted a dog from a shelter downtown. He is the sweetest guy. Very affectionate and playful and fun. He's been a little under the weather today so I am staying up to kind of monitor him which is why I am awake at 1:00 am.

Jose is never home because his job has consumed him. He frequently works 30 hour shifts with no sleep. I don't understand how the medical field thinks that this is acceptable for their practitioners to be seeing patients after not sleeping for so long. But I guess I'm not the one that makes the rules in that field, right. Anyway I am going to go. Patsy Cline is playing and I am going to continue re-reading Catch 22.

Progress

Maine just legalizeed same-sex marriage. Now on the roster is: Iowa, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Maine. Apparently New Hampshire is not far behind, BUT I don't have a ton of faith in NH. 5 states. 45 to go! I just picture that in 50 years, when I am a grandparent, the majority of the nation (if not all) will allow same-sex marriage. My grandchildren will view homophobia in a way similar to how people of my generation & younger view the whole civil rights movement in the 1950s. Disbelief that people could be so ignorant and backwards.

There is hope for this nation & for this world!!!! I am optimistic.....

Will write a personal post a some point soon, hopefully. Life is BUSY. This is my last week of my job. Friday is my last day. We leave a week from tomorrow........the 14th. Ack!

Music

A list of the music I've been enjoying, especially within the past year...though not all are new loves....

-George Harrison...All Things Must Pass
-Beck...Modern Guilt
-Julie Ruin
-Chopin
-Belle & Sebastian
-Devendra Banhart...Cripple Crow
-Flight of the Conchords
-Juno soundtrack
-Kimya Dawson
-the Moldy Peaches
-Lemon Jelly...Lost Horizons
-Tori Amos

Lacking

I'm really grasping at straws when I think about passion. I've been lacking it......or, it comes & goes in fleeting chunks.....odd moments of excitement belie my placid core, encouraging me to think that i've found it, when really i dont know if it's really there. I complain to my mom and she tells me "you do this a lot you know. your existential crises". I know. I read your blogs & your words & your photos exude many kinds of passion and observation. Maybe it's not there, but from someone who is reading your blog, it's at least how I interpret it. Just experiencing. That's nice.

What bothers me is that I just keep realizing that I probably won't ever be working in a passionate way. I am sorry, I know that the American way is such that the majority of citizens work a meaningless job, just to be a drone to bring the $$$ in, so you can pay your bills and continue giving money back to the queen bee. That money that you work 40 hours a week for. Well, it just goes back to the system and that is the way that these things go. Most people just bend over. I do too, but then I know that at my core it really bothers me. I don't like doing unpassionate work. Maybe it's something wrong with me, maybe I'm just unappreciative. But I do know some things that I feel passionate about: knitting, cooking, writing in my journal, exercising, exploring new places & locales, learning new skills

I know some things I want to do: I want an airplane pilot's license. I want to really explore the west. To go visit Joshua Tree in southern California. To someday get pregnant, carry that child, birth it, feed & nourish it, love it, help it grow, try in whatever way possible to let it not feel pain. I want a dog [pomeranian] companion.

I know some things I don't want to do: I don't want to continue working like a drone. Don't want to miss out on rare experiences. Don't want to live in debt. Not to be bitter.

I need to figure it out. More limbo continues. I am looking forward to the summer, to a new life out west to see what awaits us. Maybe I should start working again on that published work that I keep starting but never complete.